Tuesday BARB UP April 2, 2019

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Why do you swipe left? 

Your profile picture is actually a photo of Chris Distefano. He’s good-looking but he ain’t on here and he ain’t you.

You spell “your” in the wrong context. Same for “their” and “too.”

You want to explore the city. Seriously? What is that?

You think “food” is a hobby. Dude, we all have to eat.

There are 2 or more guys in your profile picture. I can’t tell which one is you, and I refuse to work at all at this stage of the game.

There are 2 or more women in your profile picture. I get it. Ladies like you.

There you are, with a lady in the photo with you. So, what? She your sister? Your ex? Your wife? No. Just no.

Gym selfie, tuxedo selfie, lying-in-bed-giving-me-sexy face selfie.

More on the (topless) gym selfie: Your muscles are too big/I don’t need to know this much about your nipples at this point, or ever.

You are making the “shhhh” face in your profile pic. Or you tongue is sticking out like you’re at the Doctor’s and she’s looking down your throat. Not a good look.

Your profile picture is of a run-down house with patchy snow partially covering a bleak front yard.

You are MAGA-ing it.

An American flag is featured prominently in your profile picture.

You are hoisting a drink in every picture. Thanks for the heads up.

Too many pictures of your car. As in, more than one.

Your screen name is “YourNewKing”, “diaperboy1” or “HugeShaftBronx.”

You have specified “no models or actresses” as if these women are hounding you relentlessly.

You spelled “a lot” “Allott.”

You like to “live, love, laugh and/or learn.” I hate all of those things.

You are glaring into the camera like a murderer.

You included a b+w nude of yourself in the “Thinker” pose.

You listed your profession as “fermenter.”

You are holding a freshly captured fish, lion, giraffe, etc.

You are posing in the mirror with only a towel covering your genitals.

You mention how you like to travel and there’s a shot of you at Machu Picchu, alone.

You are posing with two girls twenty years your junior.

You are posing with your girlfriend or wife. In your PROFILE photo? No. Bye Felix, bye.

Your kid(s) are in your profile photo. In the gallery, yes, not in the profile photo.

You are polyamorous, you use acronyms like GGG, you are in an open restful loving relationship.

Your profile photo is your bar mitzvah shot.

Your profile photo has too many filters, you are in silhouette, its highly pixilated.

Okay?

Okay.

You got reasons? Send them to me here! I will publish them!

Toni Preckwinkle: “Look, this is not an entry-level job. I think it’s really important that the mayor of the city of Chicago know how to govern.”

Hannah Gadsby: “Everyone understands the coming-out story now: It is part of popular culture. But women with autism is a very niche experience. I can’t predict how people are going to respond.”

Chelsea Handler: “I don’t really cleanse or wash my face. I know that you’re not supposed to do that. But I think whatever it is I’m doing, it’s working, so I don’t want to rock the boat.”

Walking Manahattan.

The Air Susan story.

Are you pro or anti vaccines?

Weaning yourself off meds.

And now have a laugh with Wanda Sykes.

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