Why do you swipe left?

Here are some reasons sent my way:

Your profile picture is actually a photo of Chris Distefano. He’s good-looking but he ain’t on here and he ain’t you.

There are 2 guys in your profile picture. I can’t tell which one is you, and I refuse to work at all at this stage of the game.

You’re reading a Tom Clancy novel in your profile picture.

Gym selfie, tuxedo selfie, lying-in-bed-giving-me-sexy face selfie.

You are making the “shhhh” face in your profile pic.

More on the (topless) gym selfie: Your muscles are too big/I don’t need to know this much about your nipples at this point, or ever.

Your profile picture is of a run-down house with patchy snow partially covering a bleak front yard.

You are wearing Donald Trump paraphernalia.

An American flag is featured prominently in your profile picture.

You are hoisting a drink in every picture.

Too many pictures of your car.

Your screen name is “YourNewKing”, “diaperboy1” or “HugeShaftBronx.”

You have specified “no models or actresses” as if these women are hounding you relentlessly.

You spelled “a lot” “Allott.”

You like to “live, love, laugh and/or learn.” I hate all of those things.

You are glaring into the camera like a murderer.

You included a b+w nude of yourself in the “Thinker” pose.

You listed your profession as “fermenter.”

Your profile pic is you holding a bag of Fritos with a big smile. Damn, I should have tried you.

You are holding a freshly captured fish, lion, giraffe, etc.

You are posing in the mirror with only a towel covering your genitals.

You mention how you like to travel and there’s a shot of you at Machu Picchu, alone.

You are posing with two girls twenty years your junior.

You are posing with your girlfriend or wife. I don’t need either.

Your kid(s) are in your profile photo. Boner killer.

You are polyamorous, you use acronyms like GGG, you are in an open restful loving relationship.

Your profile photo is your bar mitzvah shot.

Your profile photo has too many filters, you are in silhouette, its highly pixilated.

Okay?

Okay.