How To Destroy Your Life, The Adult Version

1. Your Duckface: Sure it really looks like you’re administering fellatio, and in some circles you look “hawt” but really? You’re just ruining your chances for being taken seriously by future hiring managers/mothers-in-law/politics. Try smiling for your Instagram selfie, non-ironically.

2. Your Perfect Eyeroll: Yes, you’ve spent your childhood perfecting it with your parents and in general adults-in-authority figures and it’s worked for you, the dismissiveness when people have been up your grill. However, once you start working, you are constantly being evaluated by your colleagues. And if you eyeroll your supervisor, you can kiss your merit increase buh-bye. Learn to master the inner eyeroll, which will  always service your frustration.

3. Your 9-5: If you have a job that requires you to be at your desk/podium/cash register at 9am, be there by 9am. Not 9:01 or 10:05. Being punctual is one of the key determinants to professional behavior.

4. Your Gameface Has to Be ON: Another step towards professional behavior is your head-to-toe. Tuck that shirt in, wipe away last night’s eyecrust, brush those teeth. Look like the woman you are in the boardroom. Save the Converse All-Stars and that little black dress for the after-party.

5. Your Flake-Factor: Yes, getting out of bed for brunch when you just want to lay there sounds like a good reason to flake on a friend. But seriously? It’s not. Show up when you make a plan. Your friend wants you to be there for her. Do her the courtesy and get out of bed. Avoid the desire to ghost your friend or professional recruiter or potential employer. Don’t say yes, when you want to say no.

Happy Monday! And don’t look directly into the sun!

Jiayang Fang on Charlottesville: “A fear of not understanding was exacerbated by a fear of not belonging.”

You still don’t understand what Tina Fey was trying to tell you? Well, here you go, let’s unpack it for you. “To anyone who took to Twitter to complain that her recommended solution to Trump-induced stress looked like “white privilege in action,” all we can say is bingo.”

What will happen to your stuff when you get old? Like, in your 80’s old.

Leslie Jones: “When you’re young, you don’t understand the energy that you have. But if you learn how to use it the right way, it’s one of the best weapons you have.”

The Elfie, yo.

Solar Eclipse stuff.

Sex Tech stuff. So happy to see Cindy Gallop and her work acknowledged.

And now have a laugh with your cake and Tina Fey.