How To Destroy Your Life, The Pro-Tip Version

1. Your Duckface: Sure it really looks like you’re administering fellatio, and in some circles you look “hawt” but really? You’re just ruining your chances for being taken seriously by future hiring managers/mothers-in-law/politics. If you’re taking a selfie, just smile, for fuck’s sake. Or hold the camera at a high angle; the lighting’s better.

2. Your Eyeroll: Yes, you’ve spent your childhood perfecting it (I mean, how dumb were your parents, am I right?) and you’ve found a way to make it worked for you, your pro-active silent dismissiveness when people have been up your grill. However, once you start working, you are constantly being evaluated by your colleagues. And if you eyeroll your supervisor, you can kiss your merit increase buh-bye. Learn to master the inner eyeroll, which will  always service your frustration.

3. Your 9-5: If you have a job that requires you to be at your desk/podium/cash register at 9am, be there by 9am. Not 9:01 or 10:05. Being punctual is one of the key determinants to professional behavior.

4. Your Head-to-Toe: Tuck that shirt in, wipe away last night’s eyecrust, brush those teeth. Don’t wear a floppy hat to an interview. Look like the woman you are in the boardroom. Save the Converse All-Stars and that little black dress for the after-party.

5. Your Flake-Factor: Yes, getting out of bed for brunch when you just want to lay there sounds like a good reason to flake on a friend. It’s not, by the way. Same goes for the office. You are invited to a meeting, you go. You say you’re going to write up a brief, you write it. Also, avoid the desire to ghost the professional recruiter or potential employer. Seriously, don’t.

Happy Wednesday! And don’t look directly into the sun!

RIP Toni Morrison.

Representative Veronica Escobar: ” I don’t understand the mind-set that you can’t talk about what happened because somehow it is disrespectful to the victims. I think what is disrespectful to the victims is to ignore why it happened. There are going to be twenty funerals in this community. We absolutely have to talk about why.”

That orgy scene.

Oh, Tinder.

And now have a laugh with Amber Ruffin.