“Hello Dr. MYGYN?”

“Hello, Ms. Karp. So your message says “Hot Flashes”! You’re in menopause! Congratulations.”

“Wait, what?

“Are you still lubricating nicely? At your last appointment, you were, like you were still 25.”

“Well. I’m not sure. But wait. I need to know what’s happening to my body.”

“Well, you said you’re having hot flashes, right? Are you?”

“Yes. They started around Christmas time.”

“So yes, congratulations! You’re in menopause!”

“Wait, what does that mean?”

“Well, it’s a little different for you, since you have the partial hysterectomy ten years ago. Usually, it’s when women stop menstruating, which you already have.”

“So what’s next?”

“Well, you’ll have these hot flashes and then you’ll be done!’

“What about hormone replacement therapy? Do I need to come in for…”

“No, no, no, we don’t do that anymore. No. No chemicals. Just natural transition. Unless you’re having a very very very bad time.”

“What qualifies as a very very very bad time, Dr. MYGYN?”

“Ah. You know. Disorientation. You can’t sleep. You’re not able to function at work. These kinds of things.”

“What about sex…”

“Oh you can have sex. You just have to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. Okay?”

“Uh.”

“Okay, just call me anytime you have questions. Be well.”

Buh-bye.

(Legit, verbatim.)